CHALLENGING LIFE'S: CHAPTER 3 TEASER

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CHALLENGING LIFE’S INS AND OUTS

CHAPTER THREE—Follow up to “Ins and Outs”

BASICS TO SOCIAL SKILLS, Positive Attitude, Manners, Etiquette, and “Pay it Forward” 

I (Red), and some of my other friends, Reverend Larry, Reverend Jim, Joy, Julie and others are Veterans, and we took a five month Social Skills Class in 2011 and 2012. I’m putting the best of the class into this chapter and adding some other needed lessons also, such as Maintaining Positive Attitude; Ethics, Validation and Respect; Etiquette; Pay it Forward; Balance, Clarity, Distractions and Joy; Be an “Element of Change”, show the way, and the “Golden Rule”.

I’m hoping that these nineteen lessons will take root in whom ever reads them and that they make the necessary changes in their life. These are not rules, this is just a guide book to hopefully show you an alternate way to act, behave and enjoy life and its blessings.

I, Red, myself was very shocked that I had very few social skills according to this format. The military and life in general can do that to you. But like my Psychologist said, “Hang up you hats, shut your mouth and open your ears and open your mind”, I did and life is much better.

How to Listen to Others:

Without this most important step, all other lessons in Social Skills would be pointless. Listening and maintaining focus to what is being said by the other person in not only polite but shows respect and can give validation to the other person.

The Four Steps are:

         You need to look at the Person

         You need to acknowledge the Person

         You need to repeat what was said

         You need to stay on topic until the topic is finished

●       You need to look at the person because maintaining eye to eye or face to face contact is not only polite, but respectful and shows the other person that he or she is important to you and to have a conversation with you.

●       You need to acknowledge the person by saying “Hello”, “How are you?” Or give a response of “Good”, “OK”, “Yep”, “10-4", “No, and”. or any other saying that gives the impression that the other person will know that the both of you are now engaged in conversation. Expanding this particular skill will be enhanced in several other lessons.

●       You need to repeat what was said by the other person, so that lines of communication stay open and focused, also so that no misinterpation of what was just said can’t happen. You’re both saying the same thing or on the same page, so to speak.

●       Having this step go wrong is what causes arguments, fights, banters, debates and unfortunately wars. So taking the time to listen properly in the beginning and repeating the same thing back is essential in maintaining good relations, social skills and etiquette.

●       You need to stay on the one topic until you have finished the topic. This is hard for everyone to do sometimes, even for me, because, one idea for me, then another topic for the other person, and another topic so on an so forth. The next thing you know you are five topics away from the original topic.

So once both of you have agreed that the topic is finished, then you can either part ways gracefully or however or go on the next topic and start the four step process over again. If you are like me, keep a little note book and jot down a couple of words for the next topic and hopefully the conversation will take place or will be emailed later on, etc.

One question is the second topic to the first topic, is how important or relevant is it to the first topic? How important is it to you or to the other person? If the other person started the topic it probably isn’t important to him. He or she has the lead in the conversation. If it is your topic, then finish the first topic anyway.

This whole concept was a major sticking point for me in the beginning a couple years ago, I wanted to show off my knowledge or my big mouth about some sub-topic or other irrelevant topic. I can still catch myself sometimes. Mouth shut, ears open, eyes forward and mind engaged.

Lesson 12-How to and When to Make Apologies to Others–

“Be the bigger person”, in regards to politeness and manners, Psychological counselors say. The Bible says, to humble yourself, treat others as you would want to be treated (paraphrased).

TO GET THE 19 LESSONS IN SOCIAL SKILLS YOU WILL HAVE TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK AT www.amazon.com/author/redbecker or on Nook. SEE THE CLIO “Table of Contents”. Here are a few more free lessons. ENJOY. Follow us on Twitter @familydisaster.

Lesson 28--Be an “element of change”, show the way

As you progress for the better in changing yourself while doing these life lessons, then you will want to change your total lifestyle slowly. People will wonder, yeah sure, another phase, but this can be real effective change for you when you follow thru with it.

Someone said “Deeds, Not Words”, so take the positive action necessary to change yourself. Another way to do this is to be an “Element of Change” and lead by example. If you were a grumpy person, then start smiling more and say hello. If you were always angry about everything, then figure out a way to not be as angry about things that you have no control over. Use the Serenity Prayer. Acceptance and Forgiveness are necessary components in this endeavor. If you were a ill-mannered person, then use proper manners, etiquette and ethics plus use your social skills.

Remember, that this is just a beginning, and it just takes practice and if you goof up don’t be so hard on yourself if you do, just restart over again and just keep on going. If you need individual therapy, groups or need to read other books then do so.

Lesson 29–What are Ethics and how to use them– (thanks to wikipedia.com)

(October 2012-as defined) Ethics, also known as moral philosophy, is a branch of philosophy that includes systematics, definitions and re-connecting concepts of right and wrong that conflict. The term comes from the Greek word “Ethos”, which means character.

There are Four Major Aspects of Ethics, they are:

●       moral behavior how one should act

●       truth and values, moral course of action

●       outcomes in specific situations, peoples behavior

●       about morality

Ethics should be a stand alone concept apart from the law or religion. Thanks again to www.wikipedia.com

With all of the concepts and definition out of the way, ethics is simply put, is how to treat others with respect, dignity, validation, making the right moral choices, and this can be done by using the right choice to chose and using proper social skills. There are many self-help books that you can read at the library or buy later, but all of these lessons in this book are to be a primer to life lessons to become a well balanced human being.

Lesson 30–The Golden Rule with 13 different Religious or Belief systems

Courtesy www.harryhiker.com/poster and Scaroboro Missions

There are 13 major belief systems or Religions in the world and we are not to promote one over the other here or to dismiss one over another here. This is a comparison of one concept and how each Religion or belief system expresses the “Golden Rule”.

The major premise is “Do unto others as you would want them to do to you-Be Nice” [Not to be confused with the other golden rule: “Ye who has the most gold, makes the rules-that one can be bad-dictators.”]

Here are the 13 comparisons:

Buddhism: Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5:18

Confucianism: One word that sums up the that sums up the basis of good conduct... loving kindness. Do not do to others what you do not what done to yourself. Confucius, Analects 15:23

Taoism: Regard your neighbour’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbour’s loss as you own loss. T’ai Shang Kan Ying Pien 213-218

Sikhism: I am a stranger to no one; and no man is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all. Guru Granth Sahib, p. 1299

Christianity: In everything, do to others as you have them to you; for this is the law and the prophets. Jesus, Matthew 7:12

Unitarianism: We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web for all existence of which we are a part. Unitarian principle

Native Spirituality: We are much alive as we keep the earth alive. Chief Dan George

Zoroastrianism: Do no do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.

      Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29

Jainism: One should treat all creatures in the world as would like to be treated. Mahatunt, Saltruta

Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour; This is the whole Torah; and all the rest is commentary.

Islam: Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others what you wish for yourself. The Prophet Mohammad, Hadih

Baha’i Faith: Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you, and desire not for anyone the things you would not desire for yourself. Baha’w’liah

Hinduism : This is the sum of duty: do not do unto others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharasa 5:1517

TO GET THE WHOLE CHAPTER PLEASE PURCHASE, “Challenging Life’s Ins and Outs” at www.amazon.com/author/redbecker or on Nook. Kindle 30 countries.

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CHALLENGING LIFE’S INS AND OUTS

CHAPTER FOUR-SPIRITUALITY by Reverend Larry Williams

LESSON 31--SPIRITUALITY, FAITH, AND PRAYER (No, you don’t have to go to church).

My fellow veterans and readers, as you search yourself and your position in Spirituality, it is your understanding and relationship with a Higher Power. Worship is not in churches, it is in the “Golden Rule of Life”. “Do unto others, as you would hope that the word do unto you.” Everyday is a different day and as we start our day a simple prayer to a unseen deity (God), will help if you have the “faith of a grain of a mustard seed”. If you understand the planting of the seed, that as you labor in planting the seed, note in 1 Corinthians 3:6-15. This passage speaks to us as planter and builder and our reward will be according to his will and not man.

My fellow readers of this book and chapter, note briefly touch on spirituality, faith and prayer.

Many people in every day life speak about their spirituality and many that listen know and understand what being said, but others don’t. Those of us that do understand need to share their gift that was given in John 14:16-“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give another Comforter, that he abide with you forever.”

This gift has laid dormant in so many of us that our physical, mental health has been affected. To better our condition and life, we need to pray, seek the truth and depend on the Spirt. I write this with knowledge and life experiences in my own life. So, my fellow veterans and readers if you are searching for that strength, reach out to those you know that have the faith of a grain of a mustard seed and learn and grow with them.

Faith is “Following the Angels into Heaven”. In the passage of Hebrews 11:1-“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hoping for things not seen comes when you least expect them. Because you as a searcher for the truth and trusting in the “Spirit”, that you’ve called up from the dormant stage of living, now brings new hope, gradual improving of our physical and mental abilities and skills.

I suggest to all my fellow and readers, as you read these words please remember, many people will suggest to you “How to Pray”, I recommend you talk to God the way you feel comfortable. Because throughout my life I had to learn for myself. Sometimes short prayers are more effective, and then sometimes a quiet place to communicate with God is best. Because your spiritual and prayer life is between you and “God”. “A life with God, brings strength, hope, peace and love as we are on bending knees.”

Face it, we are spiritual beings. We do have a creator, no matter which faith, or lack thereof, that you have. Religion and churches are a constrained aspect. They have brick, stone, stained glass and pews. They have an organized way to worship. This is fine for a few billion people around the world with several major religions.

Spirituality is between you and your God or higher power. You can pray, talk, walk, and meditate with him or her (for those who have a female deity). You can worship by yourself or with a few friends who have the same bond. I’m not here to please one religion over another, or dismiss one religion over another, but I do know that having something that is bigger than yourself and even the world is essential for most peoples daily life.

Those in recovery use the ‘Serenity Prayer’—BUT ANYONE CAN USE IT: ‘God, grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to accept the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference”.

The main words being ACCEPT, COURAGE AND WISDOM—THINK ABOUT IT!! Other beginning prayers could be these following selections depending on your spirituality: ‘Just for Today’, ‘Lord’s Prayer’, ‘The Twenty-third Psalm’, ‘The Short Rosary’. There are many prayers or meditation that can help you or others.

There are various definitions of faith, but it becomes something that involves God and that He will protect you from harm. But the caveat is that God lets life hits you with a truck or train every now and then. It’s called free will or making choices and sometimes fate just gives it to us. If common sense prevails with faith and prayer to help you strengthen your faith with God then you will experience a positive Lesson from even the most very bad situation. Sometimes my faith waivers due to my mental illness, but I do talk and pray to God and get out of the rut very fast. When I help others I feel good and that is another reason why I am writing this Manual. Sometimes I let my mind “tweet” God since it feels more casual or easier but still respectful. Remember “Foot Steps”? Remember to how to “Pay It Forward” to help others first.

LESSON 32-Spirituality 201–Spirituality and Mental Health:

As Lesson 31 states briefly what Spirituality is about, we will in this lesson explain more about Spirituality and how it pertains to Mental Health.

Mental Health: The concept of good Mental Health is defined as learning how to live and cope with life’s daily stressors (the Outs) without causing any further harm to ones psyche. That is what the first five Chapters of this book is about.

Spirituality: It is the concept of being in touch with or being closer to your Higher Power or God or the Lord. This can be having personal worship time with Him as you see fit (or Her for those who have a Female Deity). We won’t quibble about Deities here, it’s a free country, but I declare mine in the FVN Mission Statement on page 6 and here as the Lord God Almighty (Triune God).

Spirituality is not the same as religion. Spirituality is Self-Defined, whereas religion is created by man, made into denominations, sects, etc; and churches, synagogues, mosques and temples; roofs, steeples, bells, pews and stained glass; order of worship, having mechanism of organization, etc. as we now come to Spiritual practices.

Spiritual Practices: There are three major types of Spiritual Practices: God Oriented, World Oriented and Humanistic Oriented. Remember that Spirituality doesn’t mean religion, but one can become religious later on.

FOR MORE ON SPIRITUALITY AND PRAYER, PLEASE PURCHASE THIS BOOK, “Challenging Life’s Ins and Outs” at www.amazon.com/author/redbecker and Nook.

CHALLENGING: CHAPTER 5 TEASER

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Copyright 2013–Red Becker www.amazon.com/author/redbecker

CHAPTER FIVE—Conquering Life’s“Ins and Outs”

Lesson 37–SUMMARY

Your life and my life have a constant evaluation and process done every day to the “Ins and Outs” of Life to stay mentally healthy, be focused, balanced and achieve clarity, engage the Twelve Steps to Challenging “Ins and Outs” and Processing the Boxes. Here is a review:

ONE: “OWN IT”: Once you “OWN” and admit to your mistakes it will be easier to go forward. Make sure to forgive yourself because you’re only human. You might want to weigh the cost, choose the cost and take a time out if needed.

TWO--Don’t be Judgmental: Although it is hard not to judge or pre-judge someone, you should do your best to use empathy and see what to other side of the story is before an opinion is made.

THREE–Don’t make Assumptions: You’re not a mind reader and neither is the other person. There are many reason on why things are probably not the reasons that you expect. Bad Communications is usually the primary reason for having assumptions made.

FOUR–Always be Encouraging: A kind word is always best, and if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Build some one up, not tear them down. “Being rude is being a Prude!

FIVE–Learn Acceptance and Serenity: Remember that Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom are the Three pillars to the Serenity Prayer. Accept the cost and the new abnormal normal or make amends if possible.

SIX–Let it Go: If you can Accept and Let Go of an issue or situation, then the better you will feel and the more energy that you will have for the future.

SEVEN–Use Your Higher Power: We are not alone in this universe. Something big created us, we should worship this being. It is one on one time with you and you Higher Power.

EIGHT--Get Thee Grateful: Being Grateful for the smallest things in your life or the things that you take for granted creates humility. This is also spiritual.

NINE–Forgiveness: Knowing on how to Forgive takes a lot of weight off oneself. Learn how to forgive yourself first and be gentle to yourself, you’re only human. Forgive others so that you can be forgiven.

TEN–Balance: Have balance, clarity, focus, distractions and a joy in your life. Don’t be just a lump on your couch, nor be an over worker or over player. Balance your time, activities and efforts.

ELEVEN–Common Sense: Be the better person with deeds not words.

TWELVE–“Pay it Forward” or use “Acts of Random Kindness”: Remember the Golden Rule.

LESSON 38-Processing and Modes

Red says—“I do this processing every day. There are some days if I have heavy PTSD or Bi-Polar issues, then I process my boxes or issues several times a day or each time I need to check my thoughts and emotions.”

So if you do this process every day or every time that you need to, then you have “Conquered some of the ‘Ins and Outs’ of Life”. This is because life is a constant change and we must be ready to embrace those changes because -we are growing beings. This may happen fast and remember “Gunny Highway’s” words of adapting, overcoming and improvising when needed. You are now a newer you with a newer balance, clarity, acceptance, focus, gratefulness and serenity. Don’t worry if you stumble or fall or if all the boxes fall off the shelf, just stack them on the floor and process one at a time back on the shelf. If this works then, yes is operative word in the first sentence in the last paragraph is “some” as in “some of the Ins and Outs” or the process works “some of the time”.

A bunch of boxes fell of your shelf and you just can’t seem to pick one up to process it, every single box slips out of you hands and crashes to the floor. Well then you are now in pre-crisis mode, crisis mode, cascade mode or nuclear mode.

The first thing to remember that “CRISIS-whichever mode is defined by the person having the crisis!” Now what can you do to solve the crisis? Who else can assist you in slowing down your crisis?

Before I go into exploring the types of Modes, I want to expect that you should try to weigh the cost and take a time out, so that you don’t have to regret and have bad mistakes. I say this because I was very good or was very bad at this and having to rebuild relationships, apologizing, etc. and being in the psych ward. IT’S NOT FUN, EH?

CASE IN POINT: Saturday, September 22, 2012, Fall Equinox, Canistota, SD. The day started out good and good with the Lord also. At about 10AM the weather changed, it got real cold real fast-one of my triggers and caused my Fibromyalgia and the pain to be extreme all day-another trigger-so I started to process all the triggers, pain, boxes, etc., NO JOY. I was horrible all day. We did go to Saturday Evening Church service, but the pain kept on going extreme and nothing was working. Did prayer, hot shower, topical ointments, all of my pain interventions, but NO JOY-I had to write the day off.

My mind was taking worst of it because I couldn’t do any writing, typing, watch football or anything enjoyable. I slept and any waking moment as a state of unfocused insanity. I had no focus, no locus, no clarity, no balance. Around 9:11 PM that night, I didn’t care, I was cascading, I wanted to call the local VA Crisis Line, so that I could whine, bitch and moan and really get mad if they were idiots and unprofessional. Yes, my mind can get nasty also.

I didn’t call, but I could hear them yakking about relapse prevention, whether I worked my plan, etc. The only thing my mind knew and at 10:48 pm, was that it was burning out for no reason fast, I wanted to do something stupid and then Relapse Prevention popped back into my head again. Quick Gratitude Prayer. It was a Double-Duh moment for me. I haven’t written the lessons on Relapse Prevention, Crisis Mode and Going Nuclear yet. What perfect timing! NO JAIL, NO PSYCH WARD, NO $200 YET, but still hurting and tired and I’m still kicking. That’s the point, That’s the point, if you can’t kick butt anymore, then make sure your kicking some how. 11:25 pm.

Explaining the MODES: Pre-Crisis Mode: You just have this feeling that things in life are just not right, but you can’t explain it yet, because you haven’t identified or processed the boxes that fell of your safe shelf. Your mind is still clear and rational. You still have total control and you have the choice to choose for the better and can identify and process those boxes. Find out what stressors are out there. Do they need to be fixed right away or can you take a time out or nap to help the situation. Do what you need to get back on track. Work the Twelve Steps in Chapter Two.

Crisis Mode: CRISIS-as defined by the person having the CRISIS! It seem that all your thoughts are jumbled and excited, whatever decision that you make is the wrong one. Failure, defeat, despair, hopelessness, uselessness, anxiety, depression are there. How do you pull yourself up by the bootstraps when you can’t even find the boots? Then the object is to find the boots.

Cascading Mode: The best way to explain Cascading, is that it is like setting up dominoes and letting them fall one after each other. Unless you can pull three out of the way somewhere, they keep on falling down and you wind up in the psych ward with suicidal ideation. I used to be in Cascading Mode 10% of the time, now I’m in it only 1% of the time.

Nuclear Mode: I am not a nice person in Nuclear Mode, and it is best if I stay out of that Mode. I definitely would up in the Psych ward or jail twice and I OD twice. NOT NICE! The things that would send me into Nuclear Mode a couple of years ago vs. today is between night and day. I could go into Nuclear Mode 15% of the time, now its less than one percent of the time and still very dangerous.

Now go share this message with others.

LESSON 39-CRISIS MODE AND CASCADING:

CASE IN POINT (Con’t): I had just wrote a few pages of this book, but was I out of Crisis? Had I found my Focus, Locus, Balance and Clarity? Not totally, but the distraction of writing helped me get out of a foul mood. I am a real person who has real issues of my own and I’m not perfect, I just want to let you know what has and hasn’t worked for me in the past.

OK, we’re (you and I) at the point that nothing is working, we’re in Crisis together here, what should we do together in Crisis Mode?_____ Or what should we NOT DO IN CRISIS MODE?_____________ (jail/death) Pre-Crisis Mode has failed us, or we failed it, processing the boxes didn’t work, we’re totally f’n overwhelmed, should what should we do first?_________ BREATHE!! Just Breathe Slowly, remember your breathing exercises, count to ten slowly and breath slowly in thru you nose and out thru your pursed lips. That just bought us enough time to make a few clear choices if needed. Now it’s Assessment Time! If you feel that you are going to harm your self or harm others, call the National Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255, Veterans press 1. Other countries. Search your crisis line.

CHAPTER FIVE IS A VERY IMPORTANT CHAPTER ON MODES AND CRISIS AS WELL AS GOING ON FURTHER RECOVERY FROM CRISIS. PLEASE PURCHASE “Challenging Life’s Ins and Outs” at www.amazon.com/author/redbecker or on Nook. Kindle 30 countries.