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CHALLENGING LIFE’S INS AND OUTS
CHAPTER THREE—Follow up to “Ins and Outs”
BASICS TO SOCIAL SKILLS, Positive Attitude, Manners, Etiquette, and “Pay it Forward”
I (Red), and some of my other friends, Reverend Larry, Reverend Jim, Joy, Julie and others are Veterans, and we took a five month Social Skills Class in 2011 and 2012. I’m putting the best of the class into this chapter and adding some other needed lessons also, such as Maintaining Positive Attitude; Ethics, Validation and Respect; Etiquette; Pay it Forward; Balance, Clarity, Distractions and Joy; Be an “Element of Change”, show the way, and the “Golden Rule”.
I’m hoping that these nineteen lessons will take root in whom ever reads them and that they make the necessary changes in their life. These are not rules, this is just a guide book to hopefully show you an alternate way to act, behave and enjoy life and its blessings.
I, Red, myself was very shocked that I had very few social skills according to this format. The military and life in general can do that to you. But like my Psychologist said, “Hang up you hats, shut your mouth and open your ears and open your mind”, I did and life is much better.
How to Listen to Others:
Without this most important step, all other lessons in Social Skills would be pointless. Listening and maintaining focus to what is being said by the other person in not only polite but shows respect and can give validation to the other person.
The Four Steps are:
You need to look at the Person
You need to acknowledge the Person
You need to repeat what was said
You need to stay on topic until the topic is finished
● You need to look at the person because maintaining eye to eye or face to face contact is not only polite, but respectful and shows the other person that he or she is important to you and to have a conversation with you.
● You need to acknowledge the person by saying “Hello”, “How are you?” Or give a response of “Good”, “OK”, “Yep”, “10-4", “No, and”. or any other saying that gives the impression that the other person will know that the both of you are now engaged in conversation. Expanding this particular skill will be enhanced in several other lessons.
● You need to repeat what was said by the other person, so that lines of communication stay open and focused, also so that no misinterpation of what was just said can’t happen. You’re both saying the same thing or on the same page, so to speak.
● Having this step go wrong is what causes arguments, fights, banters, debates and unfortunately wars. So taking the time to listen properly in the beginning and repeating the same thing back is essential in maintaining good relations, social skills and etiquette.
● You need to stay on the one topic until you have finished the topic. This is hard for everyone to do sometimes, even for me, because, one idea for me, then another topic for the other person, and another topic so on an so forth. The next thing you know you are five topics away from the original topic.
So once both of you have agreed that the topic is finished, then you can either part ways gracefully or however or go on the next topic and start the four step process over again. If you are like me, keep a little note book and jot down a couple of words for the next topic and hopefully the conversation will take place or will be emailed later on, etc.
One question is the second topic to the first topic, is how important or relevant is it to the first topic? How important is it to you or to the other person? If the other person started the topic it probably isn’t important to him. He or she has the lead in the conversation. If it is your topic, then finish the first topic anyway.
This whole concept was a major sticking point for me in the beginning a couple years ago, I wanted to show off my knowledge or my big mouth about some sub-topic or other irrelevant topic. I can still catch myself sometimes. Mouth shut, ears open, eyes forward and mind engaged.
Lesson 12-How to and When to Make Apologies to Others–
“Be the bigger person”, in regards to politeness and manners, Psychological counselors say. The Bible says, to humble yourself, treat others as you would want to be treated (paraphrased).
TO GET THE 19 LESSONS IN SOCIAL SKILLS YOU WILL HAVE TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK AT www.amazon.com/author/redbecker or on Nook. SEE THE CLIO “Table of Contents”. Here are a few more free lessons. ENJOY. Follow us on Twitter @familydisaster.
Lesson 28--Be an “element of change”, show the way
As you progress for the better in changing yourself while doing these life lessons, then you will want to change your total lifestyle slowly. People will wonder, yeah sure, another phase, but this can be real effective change for you when you follow thru with it.
Someone said “Deeds, Not Words”, so take the positive action necessary to change yourself. Another way to do this is to be an “Element of Change” and lead by example. If you were a grumpy person, then start smiling more and say hello. If you were always angry about everything, then figure out a way to not be as angry about things that you have no control over. Use the Serenity Prayer. Acceptance and Forgiveness are necessary components in this endeavor. If you were a ill-mannered person, then use proper manners, etiquette and ethics plus use your social skills.
Remember, that this is just a beginning, and it just takes practice and if you goof up don’t be so hard on yourself if you do, just restart over again and just keep on going. If you need individual therapy, groups or need to read other books then do so.
Lesson 29–What are Ethics and how to use them– (thanks to wikipedia.com)
(October 2012-as defined) Ethics, also known as moral philosophy, is a branch of philosophy that includes systematics, definitions and re-connecting concepts of right and wrong that conflict. The term comes from the Greek word “Ethos”, which means character.
There are Four Major Aspects of Ethics, they are:
● moral behavior how one should act
● truth and values, moral course of action
● outcomes in specific situations, peoples behavior
● about morality
Ethics should be a stand alone concept apart from the law or religion. Thanks again to www.wikipedia.com
With all of the concepts and definition out of the way, ethics is simply put, is how to treat others with respect, dignity, validation, making the right moral choices, and this can be done by using the right choice to chose and using proper social skills. There are many self-help books that you can read at the library or buy later, but all of these lessons in this book are to be a primer to life lessons to become a well balanced human being.
Lesson 30–The Golden Rule with 13 different Religious or Belief systems
There are 13 major belief systems or Religions in the world and we are not to promote one over the other here or to dismiss one over another here. This is a comparison of one concept and how each Religion or belief system expresses the “Golden Rule”.
The major premise is “Do unto others as you would want them to do to you-Be Nice” [Not to be confused with the other golden rule: “Ye who has the most gold, makes the rules-that one can be bad-dictators.”]
Here are the 13 comparisons:
Buddhism: Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5:18
Confucianism: One word that sums up the that sums up the basis of good conduct... loving kindness. Do not do to others what you do not what done to yourself. Confucius, Analects 15:23
Taoism: Regard your neighbour’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbour’s loss as you own loss. T’ai Shang Kan Ying Pien 213-218
Sikhism: I am a stranger to no one; and no man is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all. Guru Granth Sahib, p. 1299
Christianity: In everything, do to others as you have them to you; for this is the law and the prophets. Jesus, Matthew 7:12
Unitarianism: We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web for all existence of which we are a part. Unitarian principle
Native Spirituality: We are much alive as we keep the earth alive. Chief Dan George
Zoroastrianism: Do no do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.
Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29
Jainism: One should treat all creatures in the world as would like to be treated. Mahatunt, Saltruta
Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour; This is the whole Torah; and all the rest is commentary.
Islam: Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others what you wish for yourself. The Prophet Mohammad, Hadih
Baha’i Faith: Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you, and desire not for anyone the things you would not desire for yourself. Baha’w’liah
Hinduism : This is the sum of duty: do not do unto others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharasa 5:1517
TO GET THE WHOLE CHAPTER PLEASE PURCHASE, “Challenging Life’s Ins and Outs” at www.amazon.com/author/redbecker or on Nook. Kindle 30 countries.
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